Time Marches On

If I’ve given you the impression that it’s been all fun, games, and excitement since this journey started, that’s a wrong impression: it’s not. As I write this, I have a very heavy heart – the mountain seems so high, the goal so unreachable, the required time infinite. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel at this point, because I’m who-knows-how-far away from it.

I’ve been doing pretty good with my attempt to change my diet. I still have to try harder, to give in less. By the way, you know you’re starving for bread when a crouton in a salad gets you all excited. Caroline has been wonderful, she’s been a pillar of strength. God has been even more wonderful. And me? Well, I’m trying. I must try harder, that’s all there is to it. I miss my junk food very much.

One thing I am noticing is how much better the food I am allowed tastes. I remember reading once about my favorite comedian, Jack Benny. He was known for everything he liked being “the best ever.” “This is the best sandwich I’ve ever tasted,” he might say, or even “This is the best glass of water I’ve ever had.” And he meant it. I get that now. Today’s shepherd’s pie was the best I’ve ever tasted; the salad I had a couple of days ago was the best salad I’ve ever had; the Thanksgiving turkey I allowed myself on Monday was the best turkey ever. And so on. And yes, I’ve eaten all these things before, so don’t try catching me with that question. But the point is, I appreciate these things so much more. That’s something I’ve never noticed before when I tried to do this sort of thing. Or if I did, I then took it to the extreme and ate so much of what I was enjoying that it became mundain again. That’s the difference. So is this progress? I think so; I’m not 100% sure, but I think so.

I want to get this surgery. I want to move on to the next step. I was talking to my mom a couple of days ago, and even she asked me if I didn’t wish it was over already. You bet I wish that, Mom.

So what do I fill my life with to enjoy instead of junk food? There’s another big question. I’m a beta tester for all sorts of things, but there aren’t a lot of betas these days for any of them. I want some big, fun project or new electronic gadget to fall into my oversized lap to divert my mind. One project I’m working on, with the encouragement of my brother, is memorizing Scripture.

If this entry doesn’t sound as upbeat as they usually do, it’s because I’m not as upbeat as I’d like to be. I’m feeling very sorry for myself, I’m feeling like a very, very bad person for struggling with this stuff, I am feeling like a very ungrateful person for being so impatient and wanting things to proceed. I’m feeling mentally exhausted. I feel like a very unlovable person. I’m also very hungry. Could someone please peel off a leaf of lettuce for me?