Struggles

There are a lot of feelings to cover in today’s blog entry, and not all of them are warm and fuzzy, so tighten your seatbelts.

First, I do want to thank everyone for your encouragement. Since I started doing this public blog on the subject, I have not received one hurtful or mocking comment from anyone. There’s been some tough love, to be sure, some admonition, but I need that along with the encouragement, and I am so thankful for all of you who read this, all of you wo think and pray about me and what I’m trying to do.

That said, I am also feeling some of the negative effects of having gone public with this whole thing. The biggest is having to answer the same questions over and over and over again. ☺ I know that these questions are asked in love, I know people simply want to know the progress I’m making, and I know I’ve gone public with this because I want to keep people updated and to be held accountable, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard to deal with sometimes. You feel like you’re getting the third degree from prosecutors, and when it’s over, you feel like you’ve let, and are letting, everyone down, especially if you’re not taking the exact path and going at the exact speed well-meaning people think you should be going down. Please don’t worry about the grammar in that last sentence. 😕

This is a heavy-duty experience for both Caroline and me … we’re moving, trying to set up a home for ourselves that is truly our own and done the way we want it done. I’m making radical changes in my lifestyle, and Caroline is right beside me, making changes to hers and being incredibly supportive. It’s the holidays, we’re trying to coordinate the generous help people are offering, walking the line between showing gratitude but at the same time making sure that our new place is set up on our terms, since we’re going to be the ones living here. The outpouring of help has been wonderful, and we are certainly grateful.

I know this last, the part about the apartment, is not directly related to my bariatric surgery, but it’s a huge part of my life right now, and one of the things about life is that huge parts of it tend to affect and be affected by the other huge parts of it.

We had a family gathering on Saturday. I knew this was going to be a bit rough, because it was going to put to the test a lot of my resolve when it came to food. I talked to my dietician beforehand, and she told me to enjoy myself but to not go overboard. So I went into the gathering having decided two things: I was going to take one plate full of all the food I liked, no seconds; and I was going to skip dessert. I succeeded, for the most part. I had one plate of food, it was as incredible as I’d hoped. I skipped the pies, the chocolate trifle, all the wonderful things I would have loved to eat for dessert. I did have a few chips, some peanuts and some popcorn as a snack halfway through the afternoon. All I drank at the gathering was water and one glass of skim milk. The one area where I failed somewhat was my mom’s homemade buns, which are so much better than anything one would buy in a store. I think I had four of these, plus two more Saturday evening when I got back home. Okay, I wasn’t perfect, but I did a lot better than I’d feare.

I’m trying to be the best person I can be, to make the right decisions. It’s hard, because I am incredibly imperfect, but I am trying. Caroline is amazing through all of it: the dieting (oh I hate that word), the move, everything. I knoww some may not approve of everything we’re doing and how we’re doing it, but we’re trying our rectums off.

Thank you, every one of you, for bearing with me as this journey continues. I know I am loved, cared about, and respected for what I, we, are doing.