What have I gotten myself into? I knew this process wouldn’t be immediate, but I didn’t know I’d have to wait this long. I just found out that I’m going to have to drop a hundred pounds before I get the bariatric surgery. I can’t imagine doing something like that unless it takes years and years to do! I feel like I’ve lost all hope. I’ve taken so many of my favorite foods away from me, so many of the things that used to make me happy, gone, and what do I get in exchange? Some vague promise that if I achieve the impossible, the doctors will humor me. What do I do for enjoyment in the meantime? And what would happen if I got a heart attack? Sorry son, take an aspirin and come back to ER when you’ve lost a hundred pounds and we’ll help you? I’m so alone! And I know I have nobody to blame but me, I did this to myself, not anyone else, no one made me into a blubberball except myself. I am such a miserable, wretched, pathetic and total failure! I’m very much loved, I know that, but I sure don’t deserve any of it. It’s all my fault, all of it.What do I have to look forward to in life now? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I was looking forward to moving into a new apartment, but I bet that falls through.What’s left? What do I have to hold on to? Every time I take a bite of anything at all, I’m flooded with guilt, I can’t help but feeling that with every bite I’m setting myself back, even a sallad is adding another year to this wretched process. I’m going to keep on keeping on. I’ve started this, I’m going to finish it. But right now, I feel that the fun part of life is over for a long, long, long time.
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Hey there Bruce, just read your blog. Wow you are very open and honest about your feelings, ups and downs, and life in general. Good for you. I really believe it helps to put something on paper and then read it later. Hopefully it doesn’t seem as bad as it initially was. Hang in there!!! Trust me life does get better, even if it just seems to be taking so long….
Man! That was a very heart felt reply. I also suspect that your going to get replies that will shock you. They won’t be “oh poor you” variety or the “you got what’s coming to ya!” variety either. What your going to get is what I feel after reading your blog; what other people feel after reading your blog. Finally, someone else gets how it feels to have to be courageous enough to make changes in your life! It hurts like all get out! It doesn’t do you any good to blame yourself because you still face the same journey that lies ahead of you despite everything. It doesn’t matter so much what got you there but how to get out. I know how that feels like. I’m an addict. I will always have the problems that come with being an addict. I will always have the desire to get to that place where I didn’t have to feel anything and that will hound me the rest of my life…but that doesn’t change the journey; that journey to healing and to better health. Your honesty is incredibly important to you and to all of us who have our own struggles. To hear you vent and to hear your vulnerability shows us that though the journey is HARD…we still have to take that journey. You are truly courageous, my dear dear friend…even though you don’t feel like it. I love you, Bruce! Hang in there!