Bruce's Weight-loss Journey

They said it would happen. I’d hoped it would happen when I was alone, not when I was with Caroline. They told me I would be grumpy, and today I have been, big-time, and Caroline had to put up with it all.

It’s hard trying to live a restrictive-diet life in a nonrestricted world. Food is all around us – recipes, menus, where to ahve lunch, more recipes, groceries … it’s everywhere! But that’s no excuse for taking it out on the love of my life. She’s so good to me, she’s so patient with me, she deserves so much better than this. I’m so sorry, Caroline, for being such a grump today, it’s so unfair to you.

Life sometimes gets busy, and it may be hard to remember to check the blog for updates. Now you can subscribe to these entries in your email. Just fill out the very short form on the main page, confirm your subscription, and, if I’ve configured things correctly, wait for new entries to show up in your email. You won’t receive any spam from us by subscribing, and you’ll always know when something new has been posted. It’s a win-win!

I started working in our living room this morning. Caroline, my wife, left the apartment to take out some garbage. She was wearing my hearing-assistance microphone, and when she left, I heard her whimper. When she came back, she said that someone in the next apartment was making bacon or sausage. Then, about thirty seconds later, the smell from these culinary delights hit me, and I started to whimper.

Those are the two problems I find with this new dietary regimen … okay, two out of three, I’ll get to the third one in a bit. The problem I’m talking about here is temptation. If you’re trying to restrict your diet, the reality is that you’re in a world surrounded by people who aren’t trying to restrict theirs. So you get invited to wonderful restaurants, you smell incredible cooking from next door, you hear people talking about the incredible meal they had yesterday, and if you naturally have the willpower of a dog at a butcher shop, well, you can see where it all leads.

The second problem, as I’ve already mentioned, is portion sizes. The only portions that are reasonably sized these days are the salad portions. Oh sure, I can get a second helping of lettuce or broccoli, but where’s that second steak, that second helping of mashed potatoes? Where,s the bag of chips I used to have beside me if I needed a snack? This stuff’s hard, friends, make no mistake about it. I’m still every bit as determined, but it’s really hard!

The third problem I run into is people who don’t think I’m taking things quickly or drastically enough. Our dietician, Lisa, is making this a relatively slow and steady progression. But some people look at it and are almost disgusted with me because I’m not going as quickly with the dietary regimen as they think I should. Leave it to the experts, I say; encourage me, don’t chastise me for not doing it your way. I am handling this transition. Had I gone all out right from the start, I’m not sure I still would be.

On yet another note, I surprised myself last week. A friend of mine was over, and we were talking about the passage of time. I said to my friend, “You know what, though? I think the best years of my life are still ahead of me.” The amazing thing is, I meant it. I see an incredible future ahead of me if I stick with the program: a future where I weigh less and can do more. Yes, there are days when it feels like all the good things in life have been taken away from me. But underneath it all, I have a renewed desire to live, a conviction that I’m worth it, because God says so, and I want to live up to that.

One thing that has amazed me a lot, said Bruce, completely switching gears yet again, is the air fryer. We bought one of these babies a while back, and man, it’s amazing. Deep-fried taste, texture and appeal, all with just a spoon of olive oil (Popeye was nowhere to be seen). If you’re a deep-fry-aholic such as I, I can’t recommend air fryers enough.

Man, am I hungry! Can someone please pass me a bean?

If I’ve given you the impression that it’s been all fun, games, and excitement since this journey started, that’s a wrong impression: it’s not. As I write this, I have a very heavy heart – the mountain seems so high, the goal so unreachable, the required time infinite. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel at this point, because I’m who-knows-how-far away from it.

I’ve been doing pretty good with my attempt to change my diet. I still have to try harder, to give in less. By the way, you know you’re starving for bread when a crouton in a salad gets you all excited. Caroline has been wonderful, she’s been a pillar of strength. God has been even more wonderful. And me? Well, I’m trying. I must try harder, that’s all there is to it. I miss my junk food very much.

One thing I am noticing is how much better the food I am allowed tastes. I remember reading once about my favorite comedian, Jack Benny. He was known for everything he liked being “the best ever.” “This is the best sandwich I’ve ever tasted,” he might say, or even “This is the best glass of water I’ve ever had.” And he meant it. I get that now. Today’s shepherd’s pie was the best I’ve ever tasted; the salad I had a couple of days ago was the best salad I’ve ever had; the Thanksgiving turkey I allowed myself on Monday was the best turkey ever. And so on. And yes, I’ve eaten all these things before, so don’t try catching me with that question. But the point is, I appreciate these things so much more. That’s something I’ve never noticed before when I tried to do this sort of thing. Or if I did, I then took it to the extreme and ate so much of what I was enjoying that it became mundain again. That’s the difference. So is this progress? I think so; I’m not 100% sure, but I think so.

I want to get this surgery. I want to move on to the next step. I was talking to my mom a couple of days ago, and even she asked me if I didn’t wish it was over already. You bet I wish that, Mom.

So what do I fill my life with to enjoy instead of junk food? There’s another big question. I’m a beta tester for all sorts of things, but there aren’t a lot of betas these days for any of them. I want some big, fun project or new electronic gadget to fall into my oversized lap to divert my mind. One project I’m working on, with the encouragement of my brother, is memorizing Scripture.

If this entry doesn’t sound as upbeat as they usually do, it’s because I’m not as upbeat as I’d like to be. I’m feeling very sorry for myself, I’m feeling like a very, very bad person for struggling with this stuff, I am feeling like a very ungrateful person for being so impatient and wanting things to proceed. I’m feeling mentally exhausted. I feel like a very unlovable person. I’m also very hungry. Could someone please peel off a leaf of lettuce for me?

Well, the first weekend of the rest of my life is over. It has been a weekend of learning and of discovery.

I have discovered that if you put a little effort into it, you can make veggies interesting. Corn with a little bit of butter and a little bit of salt actually, gulp, has some flavor to it, and I really enjoy it. Brussels sprouts raw, I discovered, would work well with a dip or in a salad. Caroline tried me on string beans, hope racing through her heart … but I’m not there yet.

What have I learned? I was right to be concerned about portion sizes doing me in. I had a bit of trouble there this first weekend, my instinct not to stop until I feel full is very strong. So that’s one area where I definitely need work.

But that’s all part of this. You might make a mistake, but rather than using those mistakes as ammo for beating yourself up, or as an excuse to quit, you make those mistakes into lessons, learn from them, and strive not to make those mistakes again.

I’ve also found that there is strength in others. I’ve talked to others who have undergone this bariatric surgery, and others who are even now in the process of going through it. Having some idea what I’m in for is both scary and exciting. This is going to change my life. These changes won’t be reversible … once I’m in, I’m in, no turning back.But that’s okay, I’m at the point in my life, a point I should have been at long ago, when I’m ready for that. But I see this as God giving me one last chance to make this decision on my own. Some people wait too long for that chance, others might never get that chance. I intend to take it, to run with it; I intend to radically change my life; I consider the sacrifices, while very large and by no means easy, worth it. I’ve got this chance, I’m not going to drop the ball this time. If they’re willing to do the surgery on me, I’m letting them; I want to know the risks, but I will take them.

So, anyone wanna split a carrot stick?

And so we started things going today. My appointment with Lisa was scheduled for 2:00 in the afternoon, and I had asked Caroline to please join me.

We are in the midst of a huge October snowstorm, very unusual for this time of year, so Lisa and I determined that the best way to go would be to have the appointment by phone, which was also a lot easier for me. Aside from the fact that we lost power halfway through the call and had to reestablish contact, it was extremely exciting and a good start.

I have always hated vegies. Passionately. So one of the first things Lisa is working with me on is to get me to start liking a few more vegies. This involves some creativity: looking at ways to prepare vegetables in new, non-boring ways, including roasting. Caroline picked up an electric roaster, so off we go with that. We’re also looking at adding some other vegies to ones I already like – like putting broccoli or cauliflower in with the lettuce of a Caesar sallad, just one example. We’re also working at decreasing portion sizes, which is something I think will be especially difficult for me. I need to think in terms of not just how hungry I feel now, but how hungry I am going to feel with my mind and body have caught up with what I have already eaten. The good news? Drinking lots of water isn’t going to be a problem, because we have a water cooler and I absolutely love the water from it.

Our next appointment with Lisa, again by phone, will beon November 7, at 3:00 PM. I will post regularly here about my progress. Pass the corn, please.

Thank you for looking at my blog. In case you’ve somehow stumbled on this accidentally, my name is Bruce Toews. I thought I’d make my first post to the blog an introduction, explaining what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I am very obese. I have been all my life. The matter was really brought home to me a while back, though, when I wanted to get some surgery done on my leg. The surgeon said he’d be willing to do the surgery, but only if I dropped a hundred pounds. Jenny, the nurse who has been helping me at my clinic, has told me that I’m a candidate for bariatric surgery. It’s an idea I’ve dismissed in the past, but no more. I want this surgery on my leg. I have to lose weight to get it. As long as I’m losing weight anyway, I want to go even further, so getting the surgery on my leg is going to be a major step along my weightloss journey, but by no means is it going to be the last one. I want the increased mobility, I want the increased comfort, I want the increased quality of life, that goes with the weight loss. I also see this as God giving me one more chance to do this voluntarily.

So why am I going public? I know this is going to be extremely difficult. Right now, in fact, it seems quite insurmountable. I’m going to need help – and that means the encouragement, thoughts and prayers of those who care about me. Going public about this is a very humbling experience – saying to the world, “My name is Bruce and I have an embarrassing problem” is not exactly my idea of a good time. But I need the accountability, and I think this is the best way to get it, by being held accountable to those who believe in me.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Lisa, the dietician at the same clinic. So tomorrow, the journey begins.

I want to thank a bunch of people before I go on. I want to thank Jenny, Lisa, Dr. Melnyk, and all the staff at Klinic Community Health Centre in Winnipeg for believing that I can do this, and for the help and encouragement I have been promised along the way. I want to thank my family for all the love you’ve shown me for the entire 49+ years of my life. And, of course, I want to thank my wife, Caroline, for her incredible love, for her faith in me, and for working with me on this journey. Finally, and most importantly, I want to thank God for giving me this opportunity to turn my life around, for giving me the love of friends and family, and for giving me the medical resources and professionals I’ll need to make it happen. I am so blessed. Thank you all for coming along with me on my journey.